Driftwood

ray_gun_run

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(no subject)	[Aug. 26th, 2006\|07:01 am]
More and more I needed Jordan, and we grew closer with everyday. I always thought that whatever I did in socal wouldn't haunt or follow me, that I could start anew with Jordan when I got back. That nothing would matter when I had him in my arms. The honest to God truth is, that I absolutely needed sex, I needed to be numb and to spin. I needed my mind to reel, again and again. A constant state of oblivion. But Jordan was eatting away at me. One day close to four months after I had been away, he told me that he just couldn't handle the distance for much longer. And the truth is that it scared the shit out of me, the thought that I might lose him. So I told Audrey that we were to make an escape plan. We were leaving for Portland no matter what the stakes. Homeless - poor- dirty- in love and on drugs. So I thought of the easy way out. We had just smoked a rediculous amount of pot. about 40 dollars worth in one day. I could hardly dial my mom's number and I really couldn't figure out how to eat as much as i was trying to while holding the phone to my ear AND listenning for when someone picked up. My mom did eventually after about three tries. I told her I had an out of control drug problem and that I wanted to go to rehab. I told Audrey not to smoke while I was on the phone because I wasn't suppose to have anyone over at all, let alone allow for Audrey to live with me, and every fucking toke she takes she coughs a mile. But of course she was smoking and coughed a cough like never before. My mom, being the clever whore she is, totally picked up on what was happenning. She called me on everything, even that I was using rehab to get back to Oregon. Instead of helping me like I thought she would, she called my aunt and told her that Audrey and I were doing drugs in the apartment. My aunt owns realty and gave me this amazing apartment to stay in, and while Audrey and I occupied it, we referred to it as the Cat House. Because that's exactly what it was. Anyway. We were baked, running around topless and in our underwear as always when the phone rang. We didn't hear it over the music, what we did hear was my aunt's dikey voice yelling. "RAYCHEL THIS IS YOUR AUNT! I WANT THE DRUGS OUT! I WANT AUDREY OUT. AND I WANT YOU TO STAY. I'LL BE THERE IN A COUPLE HOURS, I'M LEAVING RIGHT NOW AND YOU STAYING THERE IS NOT WORKING OUT." Audrey and I were panic striken. Completely and utterly terrified, I've actually never been that scared. I had some money but not enough to run off to Oregon, and I knew Jordan would hate me for fucking this up. And on top of all of this all my drugtarded brain could muster up was- GET OUT! WE GOTTA GET OUT! ...gotta go to bed. will be continued.
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Ray's famous stories	[Aug. 26th, 2006\|06:36 am]
Jordan and I broke up again tonight. It's not the first time and realisticly won't be the last. It's just that by now, after 7 1/2 months - three of which actually being with him in person- I'm noticing terrible corruptions within the both of us. To start, I am (for my own reading pleasure) going to recount the entirety of our relationship. In short of course, and while listenning to The Mars Volta. Mmmmm... So we met last January and strangely enough by accident and on AIM. While living with Adriane in Lake O, I was on the computer one night and his aim to her popped up. I told him that I was on her sn and that it wasn't her. So we got to talking, because he had dated my friends Angela and Chiana, so I knew who he was, though I had never met him. He knew of me through some of his friends. So we talked, for probably two to three days, and planned to meet. The next night, Mikhel, who I had recently broken up with, wouldn't leave me alone via telephone. So I called Jordan, and he came to get me in LO from Camas. We emmediately hit it off and spent the night making out and all that jazz. That was the 15th of January. And we had already determined that we were falling in love. SHOCKING. Soooo, I saw him 5 days later on my 18th birthday. We went to a terrible party with Tim, Angela (kind of awkward) and Wade. Him and I went back to his house and had sex, earlier that night some drunk bastard had stumbled up to me while I was getting my ass slapped for it being my b-day and he was telling me how hot I was, when he noticed Jordan, he asked if we were together, he said we were. And that's how we became official. Best sex of my life. Oh my lands. So thennn a week later I decided to leave for California. When I told him he said that we had better find a chapel fast. It was strange because of all the times I'd been proposed to, this time I actually could just run off and get married, and wanted to. Thank God Jordan has more sense than that. He then told me that it was unfair of him to ask me to wait for him, but that he'd like me to. And to have fun at the beach and not date any sharks. So I left, and I wasn't sad until I walke him to his car the last night I saw him before the trip, and gave him a hug. When I stepped back and looked into his eyes we both held back tears. I was really surprised at how much I wanted to love him, and really, stay. But I left. And dated people and took too many drugs allll the time and hated life and tried to work my way back up to Portland. But it just took too damn long. So I hooked up with one of my old program buddies, Audrey. She and I had hung out practicly everyday anyway, so when she was kicked out of her house, I let her move into my apartment that I eventually got, that is after my roomie jessica kicked me out for gettign too close with her boyfriend, who I didn't even do anything with or liked or found to be attractive. Anyway, so my aunt gave me this apartment. And I let her move in and my drug use went sky hight. Percadans, vikoden, salmas, valum, pot, coke, andything i could get my hands on, and there was always a lot. Four months went by and I missed Jordan terribly. We spent all that time on the phone, while I had gone off and did my thing- no matter who I'd been with, what I'd done, what I'd taken, there was always my only love, my only happiness to come home to. And that was a phone converstaion with Him. I only wanted to go back to him which led to me doing more and more drugs. I couldn't take living in socal anymore, all of the discusting people, the fashions, the lifestyles, there were all tasteless pigs. Anyone who goes down there will be back in 2 months, guarenteed. ...to be continued. shortly.
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Ha.

[Aug. 21st, 2006|08:08 am]

[	Current Location	\|	my half-way house (kenny's)	]
[	mood	\|	drained	]
[	music	\|	IAMX-President	]

I'm so tired, I really can't ever sleep anymore. I just pulled off my lashes and want to lay them to rest, but I can't just yet. IAMX is haunting my mind, and I want to pop some pills to obtain peace. But - I am stronger than that now. Though, it is so much more fun and dramatic to fall from these heights I have again reached. Ahahaha. Whatever, I am moving to Portland in a few days. Awesome. Rad. Throw a stick, I'll chase it.

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7 months...

[Aug. 20th, 2006|02:34 am]

[

mood

content

]

and really so much has happenned.

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Crop Circles in the Carpet

[May. 26th, 2006|02:47 am]

[

music

Imogen Heap- Hide and Seek

]

Sinking- feeling.

I need to get out- I'm just doing more drugs to forget. I'm sick to death of trying to escape- I want to be back where life is precious and cherishable.

I miss my friends. I have alcohol instead to hold me now.

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What a Tragedy...	[May. 20th, 2006\|12:23 am]
As I was going through my old journals I realized that allll I ever wanted was to star in a highschool musical- Ever since I was a kid, I was completely transfixed by performing art. Honestly- I thought that with my talent I would have gotten somewhere. I was always looking forward to an audition that scared the crap out of me but kept me living. Because as soon as I got on that stage- familiarized with the audience and sang, I knew that I was made to do just that. I can't even remember the last time I sang. Even for fun. Even to the radio, not in front of the mirror- not in an acousticly amazing bathroom. That part of my life died when I dropped out of highschool. This was a secret for a long time- but the only reason I stayed in highschool sophomore year was this- When my mom kicked me out on christmas of 04, it was because my sister told her that I was going to live with my dad. She told me to leave before I could even defend myself. She also knew I'd get my revenge on my sister, which would be easy as long as I was at Laderidge. She called the school and tried to get me thrown out - telling them I was using drugs. My teachers believed her because I had been sick to the point of hospitalization several times. I had lost 40 lbs and changed my image every week. The only person who stood up for me was Mr. Ticen, our choir director, who always encouraged me to do well despite my circumstances. He told my mom that I couldn't leave because he "needed me" for Company the next year. She told him that I wasn't "Company Material" that I was a drug addict who wouldn't commit to his singing group. He told her that she was wrong and that he trusted me. He assured me that I had a place in Company and not to let my mother discourage me, that I was already in. Company try outs happenned. I scored well as far as I know. But by that time in the year- I had crashed. I told myself that if I didn't make Company I would leave forever, the only motivation I had to get up in the morning, walk miles to a bus stop, transfer to the school bus and get to class, while sick as hell was Mr Ticen's faith in me, and being in Company- so that I could be consumed by constantly performing and singing. When they posted the list, my name wasn't on it. I walked into choir and tried my hardest not to cry. By this time- I was never at school and my peers didn't notice my entrance. Where as before they cheered for me to sing something- anything- just to get up and do it for them, and I never could. I had let everyone down again- but this time no one chanted my name, no one saw me at all. Mr. Ticen got everyone's attention by standing by his piano, silence fell emmediately, he looked right at me-and people noticed,I suddenly appeared, seen by all, thier eyes searching for mine- each catching the tears blackenning my ashamed face. He started off by saying that he was absolutely sure he had made the right decision with who he had picked. I would have left then, but for once I didn't want to be a spectacle. He then said- with me trapped there - spot light and all- that one year he couldn't pick a girl that was one of his favorites, that she had been a friend to him and one of his best pupils but that she was unreliable. I died- I stopped breathing, but it was so silent, it was obvious to everyone that he was talking to me, that he was explaining himself. Why. Why would I get those solos, every vocal triumph I wanted and then this. This rejection. I couldn't breathe- not now, not with everybody listenning so intently. I just wanted to be gone- to have never been there at all. To have never shared my voice with them all. He went on about how she had dropped out that next year and he had never seen her again, that it still broke his heart. That she hadn't been there enough for him to trust her, to give her such a position. I got up, I kept my eyes down- and in front of 90 of my friends and classmates I walked out forever. Because I really couldn't handle seeing the elite singers and dancers of our choir in their dresses and suits, singing and dancing for our school at assemblies, country clubs, exotic places- claiming young fame, and without me. I became that girl... I never went back. I couldn't. But I'm the one with the broken heart.
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Sad. Pointless. Happy. Point lessss.	[May. 16th, 2006\|12:10 am]
May 6, 2006 8:30 PM Flag spam/abuse. [ ? ] Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: No Subject Body: I really had no idea that you actually felt that way about me..... I really didn't know you that well and I found you so atractive that I didn't know how much you liked me or if you had someone else that you may have liked as much as me. I was really confused and I wish I could have keot things going so you would have never felt like I didn't care about you. <3 Micah ----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: Ray Gun [I've heard it all Before] Date: May 6, 2006 7:36 PM Micah- honestly, I could never hate you although I've tried. It's just that I've been fucked with so badly my whole life and I thought that you and I were going somewhere. And it broke my heart. And that's all. I just feel so deeply about people and with everything else that was going on it really hurt me. It doesn't matter though. We have our own lives. I just can't let things go when they mean a lot to me, as you did. I seriously only want the best for you. I hope you're happy with Kylie. ----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: Maybe I don't want to be your anything Date: May 6, 2006 7:33 PM First I didn't know that she was your friend and I would have kept seeing you if it was possible at the time. I freakin lost my car and was rediculously far from you. I really started to like and if you were closer to me you would have realized I wasn't being a dick about that. I wouldn't consider it leading you on cause I was actually trying to get you to like me cause I liked you. I really didn't know you felt that way. I'm sorry. <3 micah ----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: Ray Gun [I've heard it all Before] Date: May 6, 2006 7:29 PM oh please. couldn't you tell? I'm not too fond of boys leading me on and then fucking with my friends while I'm in a program. call me crazy. ----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: Maybe I don't want to be your anything Date: May 6, 2006 7:27 PM Since when do you hate me???? <3 Micah
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Beautiful Boy.	[May. 16th, 2006\|12:09 am]
March 26, 06 3:23 pm This is a farewell letter, for now... I am avoiding society for a while...I am doing some sort of spiritual journey for the next two months... The most beautiful things in life aren't things. The most beautiful things in life aren't perfect. The most boring things in life are perfect. Happiness is a state of mind most great minds can never understand for the mere reason that they see the world exactly how it is, corrupt, violent, hateful and abusively artificial. There are amazing things in life, gorgeous replica's of happiness but nothing (although this may be negative) in this world is tangently happy. Nothing will keep you satisfied in life. You will always thirst for something you do not know and do not have. That is the journey of life and when you are at your final stage, just as you begun, you will understand the concept of happiness. Happiness is letting go of everything. Happiness is being content with yourself. I will never be content with myself unless I complete what I believe I am here to do. You can't let society blind you into thinking that you can buy yourself a smile or a husband. You cannot buy your children, your safety. You cannot buy your friends and you most certainly cannot buy god. You have been through a lot, I know. You have been through things most people will never understand and constantly label it "depressing" or "insane". But the truth is, those people are the depressing insane citizens that constantly lie to themselves into believing that things are alright. Things are not alright in this world, change and revolution is needed. Please, do not give into these mortal temptations because that will be your decay. A lot of the pain and suffering you have gone through, you have brought upon yourself just like I have. I believe I have done this to myself so I can see more clearly and understand feelings more vividly. Its a life I have chosen, A life of having no comfort zone and very few friends but I know it is what I want in the end. In the end, all you have is death. In the end, all you have is your memories...do you want to have the same memories as everyone else? Love Xavi
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VERY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY	[May. 16th, 2006\|12:07 am]
March 2, 06 5:55pm how are u wait let me answer for u unsettled and unstable, anyway something to carry in your mind tell death do u part, i never cheated on you i said that so it would be easier to let shit go, for what its worth, i just knew that being with me in hick ville was eating you alive. i thought i was doing what was best for you and u and i both know every minute of it was real and that you loved and still love me, answer no, but i know the truth as i will always love you. i moved to Bend to join up with illis amora. i will have you again. your heart belongs to me. -Mikhel.
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Best advice I've ever had...	[May. 16th, 2006\|12:05 am]
oh no Body: blah I dont like your blog I think you have more to give and someone better to give it to I dunno dont hold on too tight he doesnt deserve the words you wrote he doesnt deserve the hope because it tells him he can treat you badly and get away with it and it says it publicly which feeds him and his ego it gives him the control that he is lookng for you are a strong person and you know what you want so dont wait for anyone keep going forward and if people want to be close to you then make them keep up make them earn their place with you Im glad we hung out I think I love you xoxo bobby ps. go to bed kid Me-"Wow, Bobby gives such good advice!" ADRIANE-"Yeah- well, hels like 40..." LAUGHTER
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(no subject)	[May. 15th, 2006\|11:59 pm]
dec. 6, 2005 1:10 am ray Body: Look I'm sorry about hanging up I was just devastated.. I love you. I cant even comprehend this complete faggotry your telling me.THIS IS UN FUCKING REAL! All i can i say is that I wanna be with you more then life.dont do this to me my love. your really hurting me... <3tony ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ its 1:55am I'm utterly speechless and completly heart broken. i feel like you know what you want inside.. I think its slowly sinking in that this could be that reality of things. if so. I love you. your the most beautiful ,open-minded/hearted peerson ever. I could never ask for anything better. it was a godsend that I have you in mylife. I still want you to be apart of my life even if were not together. I fell for you ray. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ If you love me then dont leave me. You cant just let it go.because of someone who just walked back right into your life.its not fair to me. dont ray please fucking dont. i never acted this way for anyone. its like when we hug I sometimes cant let go i'm so in love with you i feel like were meant for eatch other. please ray.fucking please.dont leave me... ----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: Everybody Loves Ray Gun Date: Dec 6, 2005 10:06 AM forget you. what i feel for you - what i feel when i'm with you. i love you so much tony. i've never had to do anything like this before. i'm so sorry. i can't stop crying. i never meant to hurt you. i never wanted this, not now, not ever. you are so dear to me. it just wouldn't be fair for me to stay with you- you wouldn't have me. and i would hate myself because i love you so much- knowing that i wasn't true to you with all my heart. tony. let's just stay in eachother's lives ok? i love you too much to let you go. im so sorry. i love you. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ray- you are the love of my life. Dont leave me you know were meant for each other. you fucking know it...
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I'm laughing so hard... just thinking about dying.

[May. 14th, 2006|11:24 pm]

[	Current Location	\|	office @ apartment.	]
[	mood	\|	exhausted	]
[	music	\|	The Postal Service	]

ahahahahahaaa there is no life anyway- what is death? death is our everyday routine- and why do we fear it? We should fear living because we haven't. Maybe we don't fear death- but life so we die instead. And I'm dead too. ahahahahahahahahahaa

dane called me a nihilist. i suppose so.

and i scare people. ok...

and mark loves me.

and i love jordan.

i would also love to die. for reals die.

dont comment about that. or anything else.

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Long Distance.

[May. 11th, 2006|10:22 pm]

[	Current Location	\|	My Apartment.	]
[	mood	\|	blank	]
[	music	\|	Good Service- Mount Sims	]

Masturbation, is the key, to our Loyalty.

I'm bored, today is my day off of work and I have absolutely NOTHING to occupy my time. I wish I could work 12 hours everyday. I don't talk to my friends any more- I hate everyone here in Socal. There are absolutely no intelligible people what so ever. So I just gave up and I work. But I don't have my car right now because I couldn't pay my insurence bill. So I walk 3 miles to and from work everyday. It's strenuous to say the very least, sometimes I feel like I'm going to die, it's always 100 degrees out too. But it's good exercise and I have been loosing weight which is awesome. On the other hand, it absolutely kills me because I notice and think about so much more. The general population here is so depressing, the average guy has a goatee, shaved head, independant cross tattoos and huge muscles. The girls are curvy, dark, ussually of asian, persian or mexican descent, have long brown or blonde hair always accentted by chunky hightlights or black pieces and wear rediculously sick tight outfits. I'm so fouled out. I wish I was working today. I miss EVERYTHING about Oregon. Even the sorrow and the silence, even the calm when my entire being was yerning for excitement and life. I'm hungary- I have no food. I miss my boyfriend, I miss having sex. I'm always always sweatty, I don't wear make-up anymore, just mascara. I don't talk at all anymore really, I prefer the silence because I hurt. An there is nothing to say to anyone. I'm not even sad right now- just empty. I love you all so much.

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Pay no attention. Turn that cheek.

[May. 11th, 2006|12:00 am]

[	Current Location	\|	Same damn Place.	]
[	mood	\|	crushed	]
[	music	\|	Good Service-Mount Sims	]

Friday, February 25, 2005
3:15PM
Soooo I have a new boyfriend his name is Danger Dave and he is a rockstar...God help me.

Tuesday, March 1, 2005
4:34AM - ahhhhh trippin balls
so i just found out- just now that i've been pigging out on vikaden (sp?) jeeeez. i'm so sick that if i don't take medication i trip out. how wierd is that? but then again that's always been the case except NOW i'm really tweeking out. i'm like ultra- sensitive to everything, my head is pulsing and random parts of my body keep going numb. I can actually feel my heart, like woah. i can't miss anymore school cuz i ditch so much that if i get one more absense they are expelling me- well classifying me as a drop out- so indirectly kicking me out. that's lammmme. My dear Dave did coke last night for the first time, hmmmm that's cool. at least it made him feel like an intellectual so he tells me- that's rad. i just wish i was healthy, i'm so weak and frail. god, i'm freaked out, like i seriously feel as though i am dieing, which is cool for perspective and all, but just being well is such an occasion and that's not good. i sound like a fuckin tard, mmmmmm bo beep do wat doo do. i told dar he was a fuck face. welll he is. i watched company practicing in the aufitorium today and got real sad, i want to be preforming right now damn it. that and i really want to be in bed with dave. yeah pretty much. my hicky is going away and that makes me sad too, what a wonderous hicky it is. dave is truely talented- it's plain and simple. wow my throat feels nice, i can swallow at the moment!!!! it's amazing what i take for granted- just swallowing. wow-yeah didly dee do doo dat wha da i'm going to bed- fuck. hahaha just heard this i love you is 8 letters just like bullshit. heee heeee ha! haha ha hoooooooo

Monday, March 7, 2005
3:45AM
i fuckin miss dave- i just woke up because i'm alone in my bed. i seriously love him. we were walking in portland together this weekend and we were stopped a million times by people wanting to take our pictures and talk to us and tell us we're beautiful. i won't lie- it's GOOD to be with a rockstar.

Monday, March 14, 2005
7:45PM - AWKWARD
So I walked into Albertson's just about an hour or so ago and guess who I ran into? My beloved ex Weston. I was staring at the jelly pondering it's contents when I felt this strange sensation welling up inside of me. I didn't quite care because i am often anxious and get such feelings. But for some odd reason I recognized this certain feeling as how i feel right before I run into Wes. I suddenly looked up to find him looking at me. He came towards me and proclaimed aimiably "Hey! I know you!" Baffled as I was I uttered a weak oh my god... and we proceded to stare at one another. He put out his hand and i barely brushed it with mine. It was so queer. Then I just walked away pat him- all saucy and such. He called after me "Walking away now..." (haha that idiot, he might as well have said- PLEASE notice me!!!) I just glanced at him and kept walking, and he said goodbye to my back. The funny thing is I wasn't trying to be a bitch or anything- it was simply my automatic reaction to him. My heart was racing and I can barely remember exactly how I felt, I was just numb. It was truely surreal, him being so nice and all, after using me, ripping my heart out, telling me I look like a man ahaha. If either of us is gender confused it's him. oh lord, good times. k i got that out...phew.

[May. 9th, 2005|11:18 am]
SO Dede dumped me because he got BORED...

[May. 31st, 2005|10:55 pm]
U know what? John and I came to the realization today that we fuckin love JESUS and we're going to start changing our lives. We are eachother's support and that will bring us together in Christ- and you know what else? I think that's hot. So there. I love the Bush and I love the Jesus. End of story.

(HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA)

SO about Company results [Jun. 2nd, 2005|12:27 pm]
I am obviously disapointed.
But I would like to exclude myself from the majority of sobbing girls, destroyed by the fact that they don't posses talent and are blind to that. But by saying that- I am not including everyone who didn't make it, there were a few outstanding people who didn't make the cut. And also, I'm not taking anything away from the girls who DID make it- they are wonderful- well the to-be juniors at least. And obviously the girls who were already in company who are returning as seniors- I love you all. I'm just really let down, I feel like my talent isn't being acknowledged and that i'm wasting my time. I'm not ever returning to Lakeridege- the only reason I would have stayed was to be part of the company and drama programs. But as my asshole counselor has made painfully clear I just 'don't fit the mold at Lakeridge' Fuck um. I'm going on to better things. If they can't understand that I have Health issues and that I'
ve been partying to numb the pain and to give me energy and that I'm not throwing my life away, I'm trying to live, and that I'm not a fucking drug addict, then well...fuck um.
Furthermore- Lakeridge productions aren't half what they could be beause of how they cast. This last play was wonderful but anything goes? I mean COME ON! disgusting absolutely revolting. Britt, Marissa, Paul, Greg, Rachel, Marta, Olivia and John were fab but what the fuck? RENO? Hello she fucked the show in the ass. Maggs you should have been Reno whatever. I'm going to stop cuz I just think Lakeridge has sooooo much potential and talent but fuck, it's going to waste and not fully lived. It's so wrong.

[Jun. 26th, 2005|04:49 pm]
So I had a sleep over with Gay Chris and Justin last night. Hardcore make out is all i have to say.

What went wrong? [Oct. 5th, 2005|06:55 pm]
[ mood | apathetic ]
[ music | You are the One ]

Here I am at my mom's house in LO, listenning to SHiny Toy Guns, trying for the umteenth time not to ball my eyes out.

I've been staying with Adriane and having the time of my life feeling wanted and wanting more of what I had and left behind.

We went to the square yesterday, I wore my make-up like I used to, like I just walked out of a Duran Duran Video. I spent time with Gay Chris and met an artist named Brea whom I am goign to colaberate with and do a fashion show. I am excited?

I would be if I wasn't in this house.

I am synthetic, I am a pathetic whore.

SO basicly I want to saty with Adriane, but my mom doesn't want her reputation soiled by my malicous speach so I may be heading off to San Diego to live with my Aunt, the lesbian.

I love my mom dearly, I'm sorry for exposing her... sometimes.

I miss everyone, I think about each person's face in my dreams, in real life. What is real? It feels as fake as a prep's gel bra or my false lashes.

I ended up at Adriane's because I got thrown out of The Agape Manor, the girls' home I was banished to in Vancouver Washington. I hate Vancouver- if it was a person, I'd stab it and piss on it's corpse.

I ended up at the Agape Manor because my dad kicked me out, he wasn't getting sex out of me so he went back to his wife, who in turn got rid of me.

People just hate truth, I am shunned because I keep to what I know to be my beliefs, and you know what? I'm sick of life.

Like I've said, if I am forced to move to San Diego, I will commit suicide in a white suit.

I am in love with an abomination, so help me God.

The end.

wow. [Nov. 29th, 2005|03:14 pm]
[ mood | crappy ]
[ music | ew! rap again! ]

i was just reading through my old lj. a lot of anonymouses hate me. that's a little bit depressing.

i feel so astranged, but i know i made it that way.

i am done with highschool tomarrow .yay. what's sort of REALLY VERY depressing is that my family doesnt care- like at all.

i feel almost as bad as i do when they dont get me a cake or take me out for my birthday.

i am so alone. no one should be this alone...

at least i have tony. tony who loves me. what the hell, i get into relationships and get proposed to after a week. it's unnerving.

i'm not getting married for a long time. i start to hate people. and then blah.

the saddest thing in the world is after you've been in love, like how i was with dave- everything is a re-run. guys say the SAME shit. they kiss the same. look the same in the dark. feel the same. and i feel the same.

love shouldn't feel the SAME.

i am heartbreak.

i am complete and utter sorrow.

[Dec. 26th, 2005|05:12 am]
I left my soul in the Ocean. I lift my eyes to the sky. My cigarette will be my beacon of hope, the smoke will be my oxygen. Paint the air with panicked breath, deplete this racing heart. End to lust, drink to indifference. All I feel is empathy

[Dec. 26th, 2005|05:20 am]
to Mikhel; to my Love,

you make me feel cheap.

i'm a worn out bed that's tasted your bat too many times. my sheets are torn, my springs have sprung.

you make me psychotic.

my wounds are caged animals you poke relentlessly. you provoke them by rattling their timeless bars.

i thought we could love eachother.

i wont have anyone but you.

i am a palm tree on a blue lit shore watching for your sails. both of us tossed, tormented by the wind.

i will wait for you.

my lips will settle to form a shapeless kiss, by any other mouth they'd be untrue.

why was i made to love you...

This one is for Tony... [Jan. 5th, 2006|02:44 am]
I've said it a hundred times before, but I'll say it until you believe me...

I'm so sorry for what I did.
You are the only guy who has ever treated me well.The only one who openly loved me without holding back.The only one who cared.

I'll never forget the night I graduated my GED and you were the one to congratulate me. You looked me in my tear filled eyes and told me it was a big accomplishment and that you were proud of me.

And instead of what i would have found in anyone else, in you I found support. You were proud of me when my own mother didn't care.

And when I cried you held me. You consoled me and kissed me. No one had ever done that. no one ever.

You didn't demean me, or hate me for my insecurities, you understood. And you loved me through it.

I hate myself Tony, I hate what I've done.

The truth is I've always loved you and I always will. I will never forget how you loved me.

But I can't live with you hating me. Please forgive me. NEVER have i asked for anyone's forgiveness like this, never have I felt so convicted of wrong. Please believe me. I never lied to you.

All I am is a pathetic broken girl... who loves you.

Pathetic.

I left you for Mikhel's lies, for the most awful person I have ever known.That alone is enough punishment. Facing the fact that I left you for a terrible bastard. But then I am plagued by thoughts of you hurting because of me. And then I have to deal with myself. All three things I can't escape.And the memories of our love.

If in any way you've thought that you've suffered alone, know that I've died many times over for how I was to you.

I never meant for that Tony, I didn't. Forgive me. Even though that's more than I deserve to ask of you. You already gave me more than anyone has...

more than I could have ever hoped for.

I deserve to be hated by you just as much as I hate myself.

But I still love you.

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More of the Past. Things that Last.

[May. 10th, 2006|11:24 pm]

[	Current Location	\|	My apartment in Hell. No Biggie	]
[	mood	\|	drained	]
[	music	\|	He took her to a movie -Ladytron	]

Saturday, September 11, 2004
3:33AM - God why am I up sooo fucking late?
I feel so damn CHEATED. My whole life I have had to kick and scream for the things I've wanted. I've had to slowly and painstakingly work my way to anywhere. Looking back I have struggled for so long and have wound up with absolutely nothing to show for it. I can't even begin to describe my strife and what it has felt like to fall time after time. I am aware of the fact that many people assume that my life is luxurius. They think that I can achieve things based on my TALENT. That I can win roles with my voice-but it's all BULL SHIT. Because of the advantages I was born with, because of how I look and how I sing, I am judged even more harshly. I am sooooo HEART BROKEN. Drama, Acting, Singing are my life. All I've ever wanted is to become a performer. But our FUCKING school is soooo DAMN POLITICAL. It's ALLLLL about God Damn POLITICS. What happenned to casting people based on talent? Where is the love for an art which should be executed by TRUE ARTISTS? Instead of doing this and putting on a spectacular show- we have these pricks on stage because they are on ASB or they are FAVORED. FUCK THAT SHIT. WHAT ABOUT PASSION?!?!?!?!?! ART?! ABILITY?!?!?!! Am I the only fucking person offended here? Just for the record- I delivered an amazing performance in auditions and I got the part in a huge fucking group of "PUBLIC ENEMIES". That's basicly the chorus. I feel completely ripped off, but not only because of the shit role that I got. I was not the only one who was cheated and all I have to say is that those Fucking directors have another thing coming.

Saturday, September 18, 2004
1:39PM - God No
Sammi just got sent away to California. I'm completely crushed.

11:12AM - Far is solace in the maddenning pace...311
Where does this emptiness lye among my lungs, that chokes my breath and alters my heart's rythmic beat? As I walk along past trees their subtle sighs kiss my face. Tears fall from heaven to join mine, God knows no one cries alone. My pain and defeat are His. Stumbling down a damp street, my mind is as cold as my feet. My blank expression alludes to the nothingness that has inhabited itself inside of me. My being is composed of nothing more than numb flesh and stagnant blood. Alone as always I make my way home. Dead limbs sway with the motion of my wayward stride. Gravity holds me down as I struggle to overcome the looming stairs I must climb. My house is dark, vacant and unwelcoming. My mother's words are a slap in the face that I can never be immune to. Unbearable pain sinks to my throat and chokes words before they can be uttered. I sputter a few syllables before the last of my strength is lost in a mad attempt to escape. My bed is an empty white blur, I loose myself in it's welcoming softness.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004
9:23PM - How can I say this?
You

I didn't want to fall for you
but after one glance, what could I do?
From that first look I instinctively knew
what we felt happenned to few
Feelings I cannot subdue
while away I feel them too
Seeing love as completely new
how can I be without you?

-Ray

Monday, October 11, 2004
2:00PM - Canvas
My love was once a blank canvas. Smooth and white, bearing no marks to boast of or reflect upon. With the passing of time I slowly began to create. Every fluttering of my young heart produced a steam of color. My canvas was soon speckled with a smile here and a look there. Sweet thoughts exchanged between myself and another were displayed in vibrant arrays. But soon the colors faded and only a faint shade of pastel remained. With the dieing of each small love, only a stain was left. The excitement had been replaced with regret. My canvas looked as though I had tried in vain to completely remove what had been. Consumed by frustration I threw my canvas away from me, all of it's importance had diminished within me. I allowed anyone to contribute to the mess I had made. When I finally stopped long enough to gaze upon it, I was stricken by horror. Instead of art, it was nothing more than a ruined canvas. I ripped it out from inside my chest and I stuck it on a wall. I stepped back and I was disgusted with what I saw. Who had done all of this? I couldn't even recall the names of the men I had allowed to paint my heart. I murdered any love I had ever possessed that day. I ripped my canvas to pieces.

Thursday, October 21, 2004
5:20PM - Falling in love with your picture
I know your wrong for me
but what I feel is right
Your picture is so lovely
I hold unto it tight
What was meant to be carried out quickly
just might take all night
I peruse your face gently
I'll try to be polite

Your hair is brown and crazy
sweet eyes full of light
Their gaze a bit lazy
jaded by right
Lips full and sexy
I long for a bite
You strike my fancy
fill me with delight

Feel the same for me
and take me away tonight...

Saturday, October 23, 2004
10:46PM - state of mind
My dream was shallow
I dove in and cracked open my skull

Eyes rolled back
I gazed into my mind

There were colors unimagined
New sensations unexplored

Notes fluttered and spun
Lashes tinged with sweetness

Poetic verse swam in streams
Swallowed whole by dilated pupils

In the midst of beauty
There stood a boy

His eyes met mine
Caught in anticipated euphoria

I cried at his smile
His face familiar and loving

He fell away from my stare
Soaring down a chasm of bone

Tears pursued him
His cries tore away at the scenery

Desperate tides washed it all away
Bloodshot eyes stung by darkness

Loss hung on heavy lids
Sorrow enclosed them eternally

Resurrected in nothingness
There his memory bled through

It seeped in
And forever stained the black.

Tuesday, October 26, 2004
8:40PM - Mental Condition
One small pill-
All I have to do is swallow and every emotion will instantaneously disapear. I'll want to live by killing myself. It seems so simple-so obviously wrong. But in less than thirty seconds I can annihilate all those painful thoughts that torment me relentlessly. Is it a sin to become cumbersome to yourself? If so I should crucify my habits with the consumption of this redemptive tablet. But if this is good and this is right, why do I feel like I'm committing a fallacy? White coats tell me it will help, that for the first time in my life I won't be haunted. My nightmares will cease -but so will my dreams. No... I can't. How could I throw away my life so cavalier? My future was not meant to be nonchalant. My mind hasn't been clear for days, how can something so small cause so much dissension within myself? GOD

7:05PM - Wish
Hidden amongst damp grass
a skeletal weed there grew
I blew that single dandi-lion
hoping only for you
Now I can only wish
that my dreams come true...

Thursday, October 28, 2004
10:13PM - I hate to bitch about love...
I swear - I am such a fuckin loser. Seriously I hate myself, or maybe it's jsut that I hate this world so much that I take it out on myself. Lately I've been feeling so UGLY and UNDESIRABLE. I swear I am so fed up with trying to survive when all I want to do is give up. It's like I'm trying to win this marathon and I'm malnutritioned and dieing but I just keep perserviring and the only outcome is that it's killing me. I feel so disadvantaged. All I do is try to develope relationships with shit heads I don't want anything to do with and the people I really want to be with are so wrapped up in their own lives that I feel intrusive. DAMN IT. I am soooo sick of living like this. I really hate to bitch about all this but I feel so hopeless and pained.

Monday, November 1, 2004
2:38PM - Elative Dreamland
This revolution in my mind, the maddening rapture from despair, is nothing short of miraculous. I have waited in dysphoria, hapless and dieing. i have reaped the fruit of a no-man's land, becoming myself dead and barren. last night left my heart fluttering in frantic jubilation. Even today as gray skies hung above me and showered down condescending drops of affliction, my smile remained savvy. For most, the rain emerges an ever-present feeling of dread. Until recently I would have partaken in the pessimistic view and agreed, but today, as bewitching as it was, I perceived everything differently. The dull colorless scenery exposed the vibrancy of the crimson and pumpkin leaves as they lay delicately withering in elegance. The menacing clouds were now a bedazzlement of swirling shadows and each drop they graciously offered was an omen of good fortune. An encore of joy has sprung up in my soul and I feel as though I have struck a pocket of heaven on earth.

Thursday, November 4, 2004
10:35PM - SAMMY
THIS ENTRY IS FOR SAMMY-

I have too many magnanimous memories with you to count and recall them all. But one of my favorites was when your mom had just found out about you and Pat and I came over. We sat atop your red car and enjoyed the brilliance of that night. Remember how content we were? It is hard for me not to cry right now thinking back on how radically we have changed since then. There we were, talking about everything, and the topic of friendship came up. We both agreed that our friendship was astounding, both of us so different yet with so much love between us. Yes, we disagreed on just about every political issue, but not once was that a hindrance to us. I made that analogy of how it was as if you and I live on separate sides of a field, but there was this tree that represented life in the middle and we joined together and ate from it in harmony. We each delighted in our different fruits and laughed together-we would always laugh. But now- so obscurely and abruptly, that is all past. What happenned? It seems as though you have felt this way for awhile now and have been holding it back. I wish we could just talk like how we used to. You know me well enough to know that I won't be rash, I absolutely will not judge you, I love you too much. And Sammy I have got to say that this has left me feeling completely crushed, I miss you so much. I couldn't even begin to express how dear you are to me, and I would never intentionally piss you off. Maybe all of this was good, perhaps I needed to understand how you felt better. But truely there are better ways of expressing yourself to me Sammy. I'm still "your neighbor" you can tell me anything. The issue now is if you want to. I think -and tell me if I'm wrong- that what I believe offends you deeply because you think that all I care about is the shallow things in life-that I don't think about the starving, homeless, unfortunate people. The thing is, I do, it makes me feel as terrible as I feel now-and that's saying a lot. I love you with all of my heart Sammy. You know that I don't cry over people and such but I have cried about you numerous amounts of times. And by saying this I mean heart-felt, gut wrenching sobs, and this was due to the fact that I thought I had lost you. Does that mean anything to you? How do you feel? I haven't seen you for the past couple of days and we desparately need to work this out, please-even if you are done being my friend and are repulsed by my views and behavior, at least tell me in person. I believe in change like you, I believe in improvment, in progress, in the love and compassion for others. I just deal with it differently than you. And by saying that I am not saying that I'm right and you're not. The bottom line is that I have loved very few people as deeply as I love you in my entire life and I would HATE to loose you. However, it feels as though I already have and it's killing me. Also if you are reading this and you understand what I am saying (cuz obv you will) and don't want to have a relationship with me anymore-I can respect that and back completely off. But until I recieve an answer I am not going to give up on trying to figure out why this is all happenning, because to be completely honest, I am a bit lost here. So please shine some light on this and tell me how you feel. Een if it's going to hurt-I want the truth. I LOVE YOU SAMMY AND I ALWAYS WILL - NO MATTER WHAT.

2:36PM - To all whom I have offended...
I want to say that if I offend you by stating my beliefs then you contradict yourself. YOU believe in democracy, equality, freedom of speech and expression just as I do. Yet by looking at our actions, it is quite clear who is wrong. You cannot profess something and not live it. If I told all of you that I love Jesus and His laws and yet supported the issues that He clearly states as wrong such as: abortion, homosexuality, hatred and rebellion, I would be a complete HYPOCRITE. But still you say I am wrong to be against these things. You all RIOT against WAR. You can't stomach the fact that we are at war to improve our country so you wage it at school and on our streets? You bring it all the way across the sea and into our faces? What sense does that make? I am NOT IGNORANT. If you disagree with me that is a separate issue. I would like you to acknowledge the fact that amist all of the insults you have hurled at me, I have intelligently argued each issue you have commented on in my LJ. May I ask what kind of an IGNORANT person can debate against you? Now really you are putting yourselves to shame. That, just there, is exactly my point. I don't have the intention of making this a personal issue with anyone, I have nothing to prove to any of you. But if I HAVE said anything that hasn't been proved true by the comments left on my last entry I would like them brought to my attention. I wouldn't want you to be inconvenienced by my misunderstanding of what you have against me. Again by posting this entry I am trying to show you and others how ridiculous this all is and how you have allowed hatred to create WAR yourselves against fellow human beings. Politics aren't about dehumanizing your friends who have contrasting views. I would like to say that many of my liberal friends have openly discussed their views with me and as a result of our stimulating talks we have become closer by our understanding of each other.

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A comparison- Then and Now.

[May. 10th, 2006|10:15 pm]

[	Current Location	\|	Fucking Murrieta	]
[	mood	\|	contemplative	]
[	music	\|	Keane	]

Then.

Thursday, July 1, 2004
6:07PM-Survey
1. Nicknames? Hollywood, Ariel, Budnick, Ray Gun, Raven, Lady, Rabies, Fire crotch, Columbia, Raymond
2. B-day: January 20, 1988
3. Age: 16
4. Sex: Virgin
5. Social Security: say what?
6. Where do you live: Beautiful Lake Oswego, OR
7. What school do you attend: Lakeridge High
8. Siblings and their ages? Thena 14, Tyce 12, Naomi 3
9. Pets: Two cats: Rocky and Groucho
10. Zodiac Sign: Aquarius
11. Righty or Lefty: Righty
*********YOUR LOOKS*********
12. Hair color: Red/Orange
13. Eye color: Blue
14. Height: 5'6 1/2"
15. Do you wear contacts or glasses? No
16. Do you have any piercings?: Ears, God I wish I did!
17. Where do you want more? Tongue, Navel, Possibly nipple
18. Do you have a tattoo?: No sadly
19. If so what and where? Leopard spots on my right shoulder
20. Do you wear any rings?: Yeah
21. Do you have a certain fashion you follow?: Damn son, I'll wear almost anything
23. How are you today?: Exhausted
24. What trousers are you wearing right now?: Dirty hippy jeans
25. What shirt are you wearing right now?: Pink, see through tank top
26. What underwear are you wearing right now?: Black, Lacy Christian Dior thong
27. What does your hair look like at the moment?: Straight long Euro bangs and wavy long hair, at my mid rib cage.
28. What song are u listening to? Weezer-Buddy Holly song
29. What was the last thing u ate? Left over cold pizza
31. Last person you talked to on the phone?: Evian
32. Last Dream you can remember: That's personal- but it deffinately involved a guy.
33. Who are you talking to right now?: Myself
34. What time is it? 6:17pm
************More about YOU!*****************
35. What are the last four digits of your phone number? 4134
36. If u were a crayon, what color would u want to be? That really frickin bright green
37. Have u ever almost died? Yeah in the ocean bout a mill. times
38. Do u like the person (people) that sent u this? I stoll it from Annie and totally adore her-BBC! (big booty crew)
39. How do you eat an Oreo? I dont, they are soooo fattening
40. What makes you happy? Love!!!!!!!!!!
41. What is the next CD you plan to buy? Im cheap and dont buy CD's-who does???
42. What religion/denomination are you?: CHRISTIAN!
43. What's the best advice ever given to you? This bar tender Rudy told me some real good shit but I can't remember it.
44. Have u ever won any special awards? Yes for art, acting, singing and sports like: basketball, soccer and softball.
45. What are your future goals? To fall in love, to get to know as many people as I can and to win Kenny's heart.
46. Do you like to dance? Dancing is like my life!
48. What's the stupidest thing you ever done?: Getting sent away for almost 2 yrs when i was 13
49. What's your favorite memory? I don't really have any good memories, except spending time with the kids up here and seeing Barrett on that airplane
50. If you could change 1 thing bout yourself what would it be? Id be tall and skinny and prettier
51. Where do you shop the most?: Everywhere
52. How many kids do you want to have? None
53. Son's names?: Dante, Christian
54. Daughter's names?: Mercedes, Satine
55. Do you do drugs? Nope
57. What kind of shampoo and conditioner do you use? Catwalk by TIGI
58. What sport do you hate the most?: Golf
60. How many TV's do you have in your house? 2
61. Do you have your own? No need
63. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?: No, not since I was 6
64. ever broken/sprained/fractured a bone? My back, My middle finger
65. Who do you dream about? Mostly random guys- the ones i think about the most
66. Who do you tell your dreams to? Anyone willing to listen
67. How many 'best friends' do you have? Just a few, everyone is fake
..........................68.............................
69. Is cheerleading a sport? Absolutely, they work very hard at what they do
*********YOU and LOVE*********
72. Do you believe in Love? YES!
73. Do you have a girlfriend or boyfriend? No
74. Do you have a crush? Yes
76. Did you send this to your crush? No
77. do you believe in love at first sight? No, but I do believe in lust at first sight
78. Where would you like to go on your honeymoon? Somewhere in Europe I think.
79. What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex: Hair
81. Longest crush: Five years
82. Who do u want to spend the rest of your life with? I dont know yet
84. Do you find yourself attractive? Yeah, I try
85. Do others find you attractive? I guess
89. Boxers or briefs: Boxers
91. Curly or straight hair?: For chicks- wavy/crazy, for guys straight
92. Tall or short: Tall
93. six pack or muscular arms? Both will do
94. Good or bad girls: BAD
95. Hat or no hat: Either, but not repetatively
96. Ears pierced or not: Pierced, and tongue!
97 tan or no tan: Depends
98. Totally shy, or octopus arms: Neither!!!!
99. Stubble or neatly shaven: Stubble gets me hot
100. Rugged or sporty: Rugged, sporty is so gross
101. Studly or cutie: Studly
102 accents or no accents: Accents!!!! preferibly British
104. Smart or dumb: Smart, I hate dumb people
105. What sport should she play?: SHE? What the hell...
106. Dependent (whipped) or independant? Independant yet considerate and affectionate
*****Pick One: THIS OR THAT***********
133. Lights on/off: Off
134. sun or rain?: Sun
135. Mickey D's (McDonalds) or BK (Burger King): None
136. Do u like scary or happy movies better? Scary
137. Backstreet Boys or NSYNC: Micheal jackson
138. On the phone or in person?: In person.
139. Paper or plastic: Plastic
140. sausage or pepperoni?: Ewwwwww
141. Summer or winter? Summer
142. hugs or kisses?: Both at the same time
143.milk, Dark or White Chocolate? Milk
144. Root Beer or Dr. Pepper: Dr. Pepper
145. glass half full or half empty? Half empty
146. CD or Tape? CD
147. Dogs or Cats? BIG GLAMOROUS DOGS like great danes
149. Mud or Jell-O wrestling: Mud
150. Vanilla or Chocolate: Chocolate
151. Skiing or Boarding: Boarding
152. Day or night: Night!!!
153. Cake or pie? Cake
155. Diamond or pearl: Diamonds are a girl's best friend
156. sunset or sunrise: Sunset!!!!!!!

157. Color: PINK
158. Food: Mexican for life
159. Fast Food: As if
160. Candy: Godiva or See's
162. Ice Cream Flavor: Mint chocolate chip
163. Sport: Going to concerts
163. Animal: Tiger
164. Fave type of music? Emo
165. Radio Station? 94.7 if i have to
166. Song: I'll be here a while-311
167. band: The killers
168. Number: 21
169. Fav. Actor or Actress? Nicole Kidman, Johnny Depp
171. Fav. month? October in Cali.
175. Board Game? Dirty Dice qualifies
177. Saying? Shut the fuck up philip hickey
178. Loved someone so much it made you cry? Yeah, Jason
179. Drink? Margarita (mango)
180. Talk in your sleep? Rarely
182. Broke the law? Gee, maybe a few times...
183. Ran from the cops?: Went down on a cop
185. Stole something? Lots
186. Tried to kill yourself? Yeah, but I was already dead
187. Made yourself throw up? Tried but I dont really have a gag reflex, guess that will cum in HANDy someday
************* A FiNaL NoTe*******************
190. Do you like filling these out: Sadly, yes
191. how many people are u sending this to? No one
192. Do u want your friends to write back?: I dont care
193. Who is least likely to respond?: I don't know...
194. Who is most likely to respond?: Kenny??
195. what song you listenin to NOW?: Trouble-Coldplay

Now.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006
10:17PM-Survey
1. Nicknames? Hollywood, Ariel, Budnick, Ray Gun, Raven, Lady, Rabies, Fire crotch, Columbia, Raymond, Porshe, Big Red Monster, Ray Diance, Bowie Boo, Ravid Bowie, Clam, Wife
2. B-day: January 20, 1988
3. Age: 18
4. Sex: Nympho
5. Social Security: I'm still not going to display that information on the internet.
6. Where do you live: Awful Murrieta, Socal.
7. What school do you attend: I dropped out of Laderidge, Sophomore year- got the GED. Now I work.
8. Siblings and their ages? Thena 16, Tyce 14, Naomi 5
9. Pets: Clam. Jordan and my digital joy- even though he uses hallucinagins, he eats other online pets :]
10. Zodiac Sign: Aquarius
11. Righty or Lefty: Righty Right Right Droogies.
*********YOUR LOOKS*********
12. Hair color: Black
13. Eye color: Blue
14. Height: 5'6 3/4"
15. Do you wear contacts or glasses? No- Beer goggles, yes.
16. Do you have any piercings?: Ears- no longer gauged, had my lip (3) and snake bite, had navel, had the left nipple (for Dave)
17. Where do you want more? Now I'm mod, and I don't pierce myself.
18. Do you have a tattoo?: Not yet.
19. If so what and where? Jordan and I are getting triangles on our arms (shoulders)
20. Do you wear any rings?: A wedding ring. But I lost it :[ I'm getting another.
21. Do you have a certain fashion you follow?: I'll still wear ANYTHING.
23. How are you today?: Exhausted- haha still.
24. What trousers are you wearing right now?: Black spandex
25. What shirt are you wearing right now?: Black long sleaved spandex
26. What underwear are you wearing right now?: Black, lacy thong
27. What does your hair look like at the moment?: Just like Aeon Flux. A Futuristic Black Mod Bob.
28. What song are u listening to? Mount Sims, The Gorillaz and Fischer Spooner.
29. What was the last thing u ate? Macaroni and Cheese- and I hate myself for it.
31. Last person you talked to on the phone?: Jordan- ahhaaa duh.
32. Last Dream you can remember: I was talking to Jordan on the phone and kept waking myself up and realizing that I was talking at all, and still I would pretend hang up my phone, I did this the other morning about four times in a row.
33. Who are you talking to right now?: No one.
34. What time is it? 10:30pm
************More about YOU!*****************
35. What are the last four digits of your phone number? 3663- I finally have a cell, his name is Ziggy because he looks like a white cosmonaut.
36. If u were a crayon, what color would u want to be? That's gay- probably that really frickin bright green still.
37. Have u ever almost died? Yes, in the ocean. And from recently from strepp, also overdosing and alcohol poisonning several times this past year.
38. Do u like the person (people) that sent u this? I just fucking love myself.
39. How do you eat an Oreo? I did at Jessica's, and gained 20 pounds.
40. What makes you happy? Love!!!!!!!!!! And being IN love, art, friends, music, sex, sunsets, singing, recognition, Portland, water, but most importantly- being a lush.
41. What is the next CD you plan to buy? FischerSpooner for the Deth Ray- my car.
42. What religion/denomination are you?: Liar. I was a Christian.
43. What's the best advice ever given to you? To never doubt myself, my talent, my passion, my love. And a prostitute told me not to get pregnant.
44. Have u ever won any special awards? Yes- sports, art, over-all performance, best dressed. And I'm always told that I'd be likely to have three husbands all over the world and get away with it. Ahahahaha
45. What are your future goals? To get out of here and back to Portland, to live with Angela, to marry Jordan. To be me, as always, but sucessful.
46. Do you like to dance? I love to dance. I love clubs, I love gay men at clubs. And dancy music is my heart.
48. What's the stupidest thing you ever done?: What I do repetatively, sabotage myself, overdose and fall in love with the most abusive bastards ever.
49. What's your favorite memory? I have too many to count. The days of Anna and Dave, I can't wait to make more with Anna. The BBQ with John and Angela- well every memory with them is the best.
50. If you could change 1 thing bout yourself what would it be? I love who I am, except I wouldn't be so exhausted and depressed and desperate for life all the time.
51. Where do you shop the most?: I don't shop. Seriously.
52. How many kids do you want to have? I can't wait to have kids! Adoptting an asian boy, and hopefully having another boy. Maybe a girl, if she's just like My Naomi.
53. Son's names?: Hmmm something interesting- and the boys will have Jordan and Ray as their middle names, it's his family's tradition.
54. Daughter's names?: Ava? He likes it.
55. Do you do drugs? Oh my God yes. Drugs are amazing, they make everything so much more tangable. I do a lot of coke. And I smoke pot- it's always shoved in my face. Pills will always be my fave- and up the nose.
57. What kind of shampoo and conditioner do you use? Rusk
58. What sport do you hate the most?: All of them?!
60. How many TV's do you have in your house? 3
61. Do you have your own? They are all mine for now- but I don't use them
63. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?: Only so that I can fuck the shit out of them when they are sleeping.
64. ever broken/sprained/fractured a bone? My back, My middle finger
65. Who do you dream about? Everyone. Mostly Jordan. I love sex dreams more than anything in the world.
66. Who do you tell your dreams to? Angela, Anna and Jordan hahaha. And everyone else. I tell everyone everything.
67. How many 'best friends' do you have? I have Angela, and Anna and I consider Sammi as a best friend too. They are my absolute best friends. They are my soulmates.
..........................68.............................
69. Is cheerleading a sport? Yes, A very pretentious, loud and nausiating one.
*********YOU and LOVE*********
72. Do you believe in Love? YES! Always alway always.
73. Do you have a girlfriend or boyfriend? YES!
74. Do you have a crush? I like to get crushed.
76. Did you send this to your crush? No- that's gay too.
77. do you believe in love at first sight? I didn't until I saw Dave, and now I know better.
78. Where would you like to go on your honeymoon? TO A BED!
79. What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex: Face.
81. Longest crush: Five years
82. Who do u want to spend the rest of your life with? Jordan John Boys
84. Do you find yourself attractive? Actually yes. Ever since my face thinned out.
85. Do others find you attractive? Yes. And then others are terrified of me.
89. Boxers or briefs: Free Balls!
91. Curly or straight hair?: straight or wavy but always Euro/Tokyo style.
92. Tall or short: Tall, but my Jordan is short.
93. six pack or muscular arms? Muscular Skinny arms.
94. Good or bad girls: BAD BAD BAD. It's not gonna suck itself.
95. Hat or no hat: hats- very rarely.
96. Ears pierced or not: Pierced
97 tan or no tan: Depends but it has to be REALLLY tan or REALLLY white.
98. Totally shy, or octopus arms: Neither!!!!
99. Stubble or neatly shaven: Stubble is very handsome but clean is mod and sexy.
100. Rugged or sporty: Rugged, sporty is so gross- Amen Ray of the past.
101. Studly or cutie: Studly- mmm hmmm
102 accents or no accents: Everyone has an accent.
104. Smart or dumb: Smart, I hate dumb people. And even more so now.
105. What sport should she play?: Do I look like a lesbian to you? -Don't answer that.
106. Dependent (whipped) or independant? Independant yet considerate and affectionate- yessss.
*****Pick One: THIS OR THAT***********
133. Lights on/off: Off! Now! and off with the clothes.
134. sun or rain?: Rain- I haven't missed anything more, besides the BFFs and the BF.
135. Mickey D's (McDonalds) or BK (Burger King): When I'm drunk - I'm allll about McDonald's. And let's not forget coke in the bathroom of Carl's Jr.
136. Do u like scary or happy movies better? Scary. Happy movies suck.
137. Backstreet Boys or NSYNC: IN COM PLEEEEEEEETE! So good.
138. On the phone or in person?: In Bed.
139. Paper or plastic: Paper to create what a plastic mind can never have.
140. sausage or pepperoni?: mmmm gross much?
141. Summer or winter? The Fall
142. hugs or kisses?: Both at the same time and hip action.
143.milk, Dark or White Chocolate? white supremist.
144. Root Beer or Dr. Pepper: Dr. Pepper
145. glass half full or half empty? Half empty
146. CD or Tape? CD- Tape for style factor.
147. Dogs or Cats? BIG GLAMOROUS DOGS like great danes yesss and an orange kitty for my Love.
149. Mud or Jell-O wrestling: Mud.
150. Vanilla or Chocolate: Chocolate.
151. Skiing or Boarding: Neither! No Bro Hoe.
152. Day or night: Things that go bump in the night.
153. Cake or pie? Cake
155. Diamond or pearl: Diamonds are a girl's best friend.
156. sunset or sunrise: Sunset, to start the night. Sunrise to reflect and smile on the max as you make your way home- still trashed and in your make up.

157. Color: Black.
158. Food: Mexican, Sushi, Pasta, and sadly- cheeseburgers.
159. Fast Food: My weakness. I maxxed out my card on Carl's Jr.
160. Candy: Godiva or See's
162. Ice Cream Flavor: Mocha Chip
163. Sport: Partying.
163. Animal: Snake.
164. Fave type of music? emo? Oh no I didn't. Hahaha UK Electronica.
165. Radio Station? Notta
166. Song: don't Cry Out- Shiny Toy Guns
167. band: So many many.
168. Number: 07
169. Fav. Actor or Actress? Nicole Kidman, Johnny Depp
171. Fav. month? October in Cali.
175. Board Game? Dirty Dice qualifies/ spin the bottttle.
177. Saying? Fabulous, everyone who hangs out with me gets hooked on it.
178. Loved someone so much it made you cry? DAVE. MICAH. JASON. TONY. MIKHEL. JORDAN.
179. Drink? God I need one- I'll have anything. EXCEPT EVERCLEAR! SATAN! SATAN!
180. Talk in your sleep? To Jordan ahaha
182. Broke the law? Pretty much everyday.
183. Ran from the cops?: Quite the many times.
185. Stole something? All the time.
186. Tried to kill yourself? Yeah, but I was already dead. Word.
187. Made yourself throw up? No but giving head can really suck sometimes.
************* A FiNaL NoTe*******************
190. Do you like filling these out: This is actually really interesting.
191. how many people are u sending this to? No one
192. Do u want your friends to write back?: They might.
193. Who is least likely to respond?: I don't know...
194. Who is most likely to respond?: ?
195. what song you listenin to NOW?: Somewhere only we know- Keane. It reminds me of LO and always makes me cry.

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Old Entries... a lapse in time.

[May. 10th, 2006|09:27 pm]

[	Current Location	\|	Murrieta California	]
[	mood	\|	amused	]
[	music	\|	Air-Run	]

Friday, June 25, 2004
1:36PM
Calm clear waters are so seductive. I would give my breath just to drift slowly through nothingness undisturbed, that would be the purest heaven imaginable. Lately I have lost all sense of time, my days are cold and dry. I havent taken a deep breath in years. The air is too coarse. My nose wants to bleed. I'm finally going out to Portland tonight. I've waited so long to dissapate in the surrounding city.

2:30PM - Empty House
I've been here for ages, alone with myself. This house is so empty and sad. The walls are white and lifeless. They look just how I feel. Why can't I go have fun? Why can't I be free? I've felt like this for so long. But the worse thing is that everyone really feels like this. Everyone has an empty heart. Why should I go through this alone? When there are so many who know what I feel. Why must people be so detached? So alone? So vacant?

Sunday, June 27, 2004
6:32PM - Cut
There are few feelings that are as gratifying as cutting off your hair. I just cut mine in the bang region and it felt so good. Watching those boring, average, predictable peices of me falling in brilliant cascades to the ground was incredible. I feel so new and unpredictable-I haven't felt good in so long! I think I really needed that... I hope everyone is enjoying themselves!!!

Monday, June 28, 2004
4:41PM - Good Lord
Where the hell is everyone? LO feels even quiter than ussual. It's so strange to think of all the kids and teenagers who live around here and how deathly silent it always is. I can go on walks and not hear anything but the wind rushing through the trees for miles until maybe some one drives by. When I talk my voice peirces the air as if i have just commited some sin.

July 6, 2004
5:57PM - Cutler this cant be right
98% of the teenage population does/has tried pot. If you're part of the 2% who hasn't, copy this in your journal.

Thursday, July 8, 2004
11:46AM - A poem of leavage
Im off to malibu
I will miss all of u
It will most likely stink like poo
Ill probably loose a shoe
I cant stand all the jesus goob-a-lee goo
I shall case much halabuloo
The guys there will be ewww
The food will suck too
But off I go like a dijery do

Saturday, July 31, 2004
10:54PM - The biggest little city in the world...
At last I am in RENO!!! I got here yesterday and am totally stoked. We had to go on this church camping thing and I just got back. It "hella" (reno slang) sucked but something really rad happenned... I met three teens there and they were pretty tight so we were kickin it and this guy named Johnny looked really familiar. So I was just staring at him and he started staring at me. Sounds awkward but strangely enough it wasnt at all. I thought he was this kid I used to know so I asked him, "Hey Johnny, did u go to Billinghurst?" (that was our middle school). He was all, "Yeah, u look really familiar." And I said, "I went there for two months, then I got kicked out and had to go back to Cali." And he said, "Oh! We used to call you Hollywood!" And I was all, "Yeah, and you were really fat." We talked for an hour about the kids we used to hang out with and who has kids and is in jail now. Awww, good times, I love my red-neck friends. My fave memory of him: When he was fat, for Halloween he dressed up like an omish person with a really cheap beard. His fave memory of me: Me flirting with this Mexican kid so I could get cigs and smoke in the back of the bus with Cory. Well- I gots to go to bed so I can be all fresh and pretty for church in the morn. I hope everyone is havin a totally bitchin summer.

Sunday, August 8, 2004
12:35AM - TORN
Being here in Reno has made me realize so many things. Here I am in this vast desert on the outskirts of a dirty little town populated by those who sport the mullet and smoke 3 packs a day. I thought I had so many true friends here yet I realize that everyone is dead to me. I am as insignificant as a rock buried in the hot dirt of Verdi. What are these people hunched over slot machines to become? They will die before the very devices which deplete them of money and of their souls. I feel just as empty as their fixated eyes. Though I must admit that the flashing bedazzlement of the casino lights are enough to lift my weary soul for the time being. I think of Portland often, I long for what I do not miss. I am utterly disoriented, my mind and the heat of the dessert trick me into thinking I am not here. It is hard to capture a clear thought. I think of those whom I consider to be my closest friends and I realize like all the others, they too will one day be nothing more than a fond memory. And that breaks my heart.

Wednesday, August 11, 2004
11:48PM - Daddy Dearest
Express yourself- You've gone too far
You're beautiful- You look like a whore
I'm proud of who you are- You need to change
I love your uniqueness- Tone it down
I trust you- I just dont know about that
You're so wonderful- You are completely out of control

And dad, oh how your words of contradiction could go on and on...

This is what I have to say to parents who give their kids shit for doing their best-

FUCK YOU.

Friday, August 13, 2004
11:36PM - Run Away
His words cut me to the core. To mare my flesh with a blade would be more satisfying than the pain you leave me to bare. Why do you hurt your own? Why do you kill what is yours? My wounds bleed tears, their potency stings. The realization of his hate is the salt they endure. How can I pretend? My fascade falls away...
Shrieks escape my lips and moans erupt. Irate madness slurs my prideful speech. Betrayal unleashed through my rabid eyes. Desperation clenches it's unmerciful claws around my throat. My battered heart struggles to beat. I flee from him, I run away...
Dark streets and cold night air allow the anguish to flow easily. What now? Bare feet hit rough pavement. Where do I go? Insane glee empowers my weakness-FREEDOM. My pace slows to a rythmic step. Mind soaring, The river. Looking into the deep, rushing waters thoughts escape...
Eager for security in another I wait. Loneliness leaves me as I reflect upon the night's events. Who can I go to- no one. But wait, a distant some one comes to mind. A beautiful love, a pure soul, a trusted friend. Disapointment bursts, blackened tears hit dark earth. Why have I left you? Why have I turned away?
I speak to you, I beckon to you in the pitch. GOD I love you. The wind stirs and I feel you all around. My soul is poured into the air where I know you are listening. As I speak you and I are entwined in loving embraces, I forgot-I am YOURS. Eyes wet, chest heaving, teeth clenched and hair pulled. Emotions strung out and I'm exhausted. I am assured by your strength and convicted of my ignorance. How can I be so jaded, so vicious to those I love, so unaffected and cold. Walls are shattered, dams are torn down and faith is restored. You are there forgiving, accepting, LOVING this fallen angel. All I can do is be filled with you...
I prayed- if I should go home, let my dad come looking for me. And there he was- apologetic and crying, what he has never been.

Wednesday, August 18, 2004
10:24PM - Swept Away
The gray torrents left me dazzled by their brilliancy. The sun danced on raindrops as they slapped icy waters. My dad and I made our way through infuriated rapids. Their curses filled our ears as we barely managed to survive their rageful swipes at our measly boat. Plump drops plopped all around us happy to return to the excitable waters. It was then, surrounded in nature and completely powerless, when I realized how easily we could die. With a rush of adrenaline, high on the thought of death we hulled the boat up onto the shore. Just as I was stepping toward the beach my clumsy foot caught on an awkward stone. I reelled back into the penetrating coldness. Gasping for air my immediate reaction was to return to the warm sand where my father stood yelling for me to stand. But as I so often wish to do, I did not resist. I simply let myself glide through the tides of the Truckee. It was magnificent, just to float and be so close with the river was nothing short of exhilarating. Off I went down and up in swirls of gray and white. If only we could all let loose and put our lives in the hands of Another...

Thursday, August 19, 2004
11:03PM - I survived boys and girls club
Today was my last day at the boys and girls club. All in all it was mostly just a whole lot of sitting around and observing the people who go there. It's always the same- hateful, forgotten kids all thrown into the same environment. Everyone feeding hungrily on eachother's pain. There are fights everyday, small expressions of how they really feel- hurt. As I watch them interact with eachother I can see exactly how they will turn out. What they will look like, who they will end up with, all of their ambitions of becoming nothing. It breaks my heart to see so many kids with all that wasted potential and God given talent that they refuse to acknowledge and exercise. If only they developed their passions and interests they could easily turn their lives around. Instead they give up before their lives have a chance to begin. And then I reflect on how I have wasted my life. I feel so ashamed of my behavior, my bad attitude, and the crude language I use to portray myself. It paints this complete picture of who I am not. The worst part is that I know that I can change, but just like those kids I choose not to.

Monday, August 23, 2004
10:04AM - I'M OUTTA HERE!
With all the counseling and program bull shit I've lived through I thought that I could handle coming back here. I had underestimated the power of emotion. As soon as I arrived in the Reno airport I felt like the same 13 year old kid that I had been while I was here. I wanted to indulge in the city lights, casinos, friends and adventure. But all I ended up with was regret. I re-lived every feeling I had tried to erase from my memory. At first I felt dissapointment in what my privilages were, the betrayal of my father's lies, loneliness, boredom, then eventually hopelessness, desperateness, willing to do anything to get away and lingering thoughts of suicide. I have worked so hard on being selfless. On focussing on more important things such as family, friends and love, rather than my problems and myself. But I have slipped right back into self-centeredness and it has intoxicted me. Instead of feeling grateful I am wanting more and more and when I do not recieve it, I am poisoned with bitterness. It's like I've become my old self again and I don't want to be that person. But the worst thought of all is that I have infact been that person all along except smuthered. Slowly this monster has been picking at this shell of a body. It is almost fulling exposed and everyone can see it. Now that I am enwrapped in anger and defeat this demon inside takes over. I can't even remember the last time I laughed. I feel like everything good about me is dying swiftly.

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Make me in your Blood.	[May. 9th, 2006\|07:58 pm]
Take me in Your Blood. Love me so that you can accuse me, you'll never loose me, i've got my convictions. Your suspisions are that I'll hurt you, your fears are untrue, we aren't playing games. We burn with false desire in a primarily sexual plain; this shattering statement pronounced by your entoxication. I'll melt out your eyes and lick your smuldering cheek to taste the beauty your mind has concevieved. Your socket's vommitting truth will be my prized compensation, my desire is excessive it was designed to consume us. You destroyed your own perfect message to me. Contemplating our love as necessary, although we are undeniable. You'll regret predicting false pretences, feel my soul devouring every peice of me found within you. Conceptual frailties would drive you to kill, take my will, ferment it with your untrusting reservations. As we partake in one another the less sanity we retain, it's lust we contain, it's breathing into one another's lungs to survive. Reclaiming what we are, in-between two bodies; becoming one entity, no longer flesh. You wont sacrifice yourself in vain. I'll suck the marrow from your withering bones making you tame- as the inner makings of you blossom within me. Your body slithers in a reversed movement sliding down my thigh. I pull you into me so that you can become whole again by the devouring of my flesh. You're teeth are razors tearing at my body, exiting my back and around my neck you twist to kiss me. Through my screams of passion you tear away my lips, swallowing them whole and building our new shell. Arched backs intertwine, I've cast my pearls to swine, as spiralled spines make us One. This is what we were meant to be, in one body, you and me.
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